I'll be your boyfriend til the song goes off

Really? I thought I was done with you? Why is it that out of all the people in this world you are the only one whom I allowed to play me multiple times. My spirit is weakening, yet somehow everytime i reach the level of no return you resurface its like you always know when to call or text. Ugh, I hate you so much but at the same time our friendship is hard to walk away from.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kY4W1b8WurU

This place looks hip...

Son, what do I want? And why can't I make up my mind? Why can't I just give it a chance to determine if i really honestly want to. Because I think about him, but why does he gotta be such a punk? Man up, son!

Deoderant costs 4 whole dollars!

Okay, so upon seeing b-more again, I realized that I really dont want him. He's cool to chill with and whatever, but I dont want to do anything more than that,its like he is always gonna be my fallback joint and I cant do that to him. But I know he has feelings so how we be cool without nothing more? In comparison with the other "Obama" I was kinda liking at first, but that story is too long to even embark upon a crush, yes, embark. I realized that i'd rather be around the other dude more. So what do I do, cuz i need a man. But can I honestly settle? What do I do when my mind wanders? As it tends to do.

The CHRONIC wha? -cles of Narnia!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwbxEfy7fg

why is Justin Timberlake so daggone funny?
When I saw this for the first time, Melvin and Maya were passed out on my couch, and im rolling around the living room, doing nothing, at all.

Every good conversation starts with "Hello"

Son, why is D. Floyd performing at the go-go awards why didnt I know this nigga was doing big things before I graduated. Wouldve been at all the parties like shit...

Why am I tripping like im sprung or something? How on earth can you be sprung off of one meeting? Impossible.

Apparently, I have hours now, so im not "ghetto fired"

Do people be making this shit up off the top of their heads?

Salad Shooter

Salad Shooter- A vegetarian who has bad diarrhea.
I shouldnt have eaten that 2 month old asparagus, uhhhhhhh........

I am doing the absolute most listening to Beyonce as Etta James, these tracks are hotter than Beyonce as Beyonce.

Seriously, Why am I tripping so hard? I think back to our first meeting and feelings that were shared, so its not like its out of the blue or anything, but I mean, I really hope something good comes of this, because this one I cant handle getting hurt over.

What the fuck am I? 12?

I AM THE MANAGER!

Soncier works next to me he is tight for real look him up in itunes. Google that nigga.

Life is a viscious cycle...

My Aunt died. We arent really shocked because she has been mad sick, since forever. But I mean its still family. I'm mostly worried about my Grandma, thats her younger sister. Once you reach your 80's you dont even think about your younger siblings dying before you. But thats life i guess. So what can you do, but grow for the situation, take your time to mourn and contiue on. More later....

In a matter of hours my life has withered

Your first name of Nellie has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person.
Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic.
As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people.
This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances.
You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following things through to completion, you often need encouragement.
You respond quickly to kind words or any appreciation shown you.
There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating
Although the name Nellie creates the urge to be creative and original, we point out that is causes frustration through a scattered and emotional nature.
This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the liver, bloodstream, and in tension or accidents to the head.


Today at my job, I was pretty much told, "we have no reason to fire you, but we also can't afford to keep you" Which pretty much means that the hours of hours I work arent even worth it, factoring in the gas I use to get to work, and ,maitenance and all that Jazz, it will cost me more to get to work then I will be making. And I dont even want to start on the whole transfer situation, its like everyone has something to hide, why cant you just tell the truth, stop bs-ing. But then again what can I do, youre gonna get paid regardless of if you work or not, so what do you really care, but dont lie to my face, be an adult. Im just so mad, but my employment was up in the air and it was like no one wanted to take the time to explain to me what happened. I cant.... this definately is worth less then what im being paid or the hours im working. I dont know how much more I can take...of anything, I really dont, it has never really been this bad. Im so lost, I wish it could be better right now, but all I can do is cry because I know its as good as it gets. And my got dang phone is broken and I cant call B-more, even though now I have all this free time and I cant even meet up with me, because I cant call him, I work ONE day next week, kill me, shoot me, or whatever i'll do it myself. I really want to talk to him, but I cant, I cant talk to anyone, which leaves me to wallow in my sorrows alone, which is definately going to produce some negative thoughts.

Just took my little bit of happiness from B-more being back in my life and sit it ablaze. I really was so happy about it, but I cant make miracles, and I cant look to him as my sole source of happiness.

I am....

I dont want this to be a long term booty call.

I really like him for who he is, and I think superficial things might stand in the way.

I know this will actually progress into something and im scared, there I said it, I'm scared.

I dont know how to do the whole dating thing.

Trying to destroy something that doesnt exist. yet.

In the end I will be responsible for my failure.

I need him to also not be stubborn.

Why cant he be the man, and step up and get what he wants.

Or maybe he doesnt want it.

*EDIT*

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*edit*

My boob burn has officially healed. Holla!

You smiled and then the spell was cast...

I fuck with Etta James hard, even harder with Beyonce's versions http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cwH1v618GY
man this song, i'm adding to my list of songs that I cant live without:

• Incomplete by Sisqo- You on the bed negro?
• All my Life K-Ci and Jojo
• Dangerouslyin love-Beyonce

Dude, im still tripping real hard, because as the days progress, I realized that I used to fuck with B-more in real life. Back in the day I genuinely had feelings for me. But you know how in todays climate a black man who is worth your time is hard to find. Im beginning to agree with Kandice, black men dont have any culture. But am I allowed to like him in real life after one instance? Because I think I might, which is so typical girl and im not typical girl. Oh yeah by the way, I'm done with BF, because he doesnt ever have anytime for me, I mean, he isnt rude about it, but....I cant keep getting my feelings hurt for trying to keep up with you. I deleted his number out of my phone, like im 12, and you know im heated because I really want to call him, but I am not prepared to carry on a friendship like this, it just isnt natural, granted I didnt try my hardest, because I know he's kinda a jerk sometimes, right...a jerk. But the effort I did make, wasnt reciprocated, and friendships are two-sided, I still love him to death, which will probably result in me just reverting back to my old ways if he ever called me, or texted me, which I kinda know he will, but not as soon as I would like.

But as of right now, im done.

My mind is a myriad of emotions right now

My freaking job is a pot, yes a whole pot, or crap.

I cant bring myself to trust myself

-that shit was deep son.

I think I may actually be insane, because my life might actually start turning around, if i could just trust.

I dunno, updates, as the days unfold.

No more creep teacher, i might miss his attention

NOT.....

"I found a dream that i can speak too, a dream that i
can call my own."

-Etta James

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0Ee2KcD8XQ

this n-word is crazy! im dying laughing. I want to meet him.

Im tryna wife the roller

I'm not really one to watch reality shows, or t.v. period (unless its Lincoln Heights). But there is something about Real Chance at Love thats causes me to watch more than one episode a week. And Real World: Hollywood, that was good too. Lol. I wonder if I can get that on DVD. Hmmmm... man this weekend was craaazzzzyyyyy! See thats what happens when your job drives you crazy, you gotta go somewhere and let loose. I seriously have to gain back control of my life, and get a new job, and if I cant get a new job then im demoting myself because this situation is getting out of control, its just mentally draining and I cant take it anymore, I dont make any money because I never go to work, because it makes me cry and want to shoot myself in the head. Man....this weekend, lol. Got a new crush, realized some things about the past. We need to do that again Lisa! Lol. Tomorrow! Oh man, I can almost tolerate going to work tomorrow.

You gotta a 10-piece dont be stingaaayy

Aside from my apparent ho-like actions this weekend.....(shhhhh). I met up with a dude I havent seen for a minute. We were talking for awhile, but that ended because it was just un-realistic, he was in b-more and i'm basically in d.c. Matter of fact lets call him B-more. So me and Lisa were at his house chillin today, and I knew he wasnt sure of what to do around me. He wasnt sure if he could speak like he knew me, or act brand new (not in a stank way). But after a hour or so he warmed back up. I know this sounds so incredibly corny, but once we could look each other in the face, everything was cool. Even though this was 2 years ago, (I know right), I was thinking about how I really kinda like this guy, he cool and sweet, and just a good person. My only apprehension is that I think B-more cant get the fuck outta b-more. I cant stand to think that anyone thinks they cant do better, because of a couple or many setbacks, aka the recession, but off some real shit, if he could get out of that mentality that anything can't hold him back, then I honestly think we could have a future. Just like 2 years ago, he still makes me smile. Like a true happy smile. But, is a "booty call
" really worth driving up to b-more. Because this "obama" doesnt have a car, and I hate to drive. I dunno, im just kinda baffled that after 2 years, some feelings i thought were even off the serious tip, are still there.

Mmm Edamame! Eda-Whaaaa

Man, I am weak. Mad me want to sit in the bed and smoke a cigar and shit. Last night was so reckless, I'm almost ashamed to speak of it, but it was so good! I kinda think that after all the shit I have to go through at work, man, i'm free of all stress. Hopefully, I can get someone to loosen me up again tonight. It's funny because Roscoe (stole it from Lilo) always asks Lilo why she doesnt bring any "friends" around. You know friends who you can fuck around with. Well to Jalisa's male friends, I am that friend. I feel like such a whore, well not really, but I feel like I should. We in the recession, better get in where you fit in. Had that "Obama" skipping and singing and thangs, got that magic shit. Holla, back to my cigar.

Son, work has been fucking with me hard lately. But all I can say is that shit was good, thats what the fuck is up, I needed that to calm my ass.

Coons

Mcdonalds commericals are out of control, I really hope there isnt a black guy insulting us this. Actually that man is the CEO of Mcdonalds I bet you his bank account could end to recession. Since all the black people, only the black people, eat McDonalds.

http://www.illegal-art.org/video/mcdonalds/doubledutch.mp4

Man, what?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpCqa0Rx0Yk, its so funny, I cant, I shall falter to the stereotype.

The recession is holding me back

This is just crazy. What type of %^&* is up with this? How are you going to tell me i've been transfered but the other store manager doesnt jnow anything about it. But yet you went ahead and took me off the schedule, and since i know you had to cut hours anyway, its a chance I wont be put on it. What the fuck? And then I couldnt even get 6 of the 18 dollar parking fee? I came to help you out, so you wouldnt have to work one hundred hours. But fuuucccckkkk that. What type of bullshit, I definately dont get paid 1/4 of what I deserve, the fuck. Too bad we in a recession and I cant quit, cuz how will I heal my wounds with shopping then? I'm off until Wednesday. Tomorrow is Jalisa's birthday, and I plan to act a hot fool, like that "hot fool" like hot mess, but add some foolishness. Biggest crock of bullshit i've ever heard. Fuckity Fuck fuck. Damn. And come to find out, yall bitchasses need me until the end of January, because you ass is going ot South America and another manager will be out for 6 weeks, who the fuck is gonna work then? 2 managers, have fun with that, cuz I'm gonna transfer, and whatcho gonna do then? Too late hoe.

We are in a recession..

When will I stop being lazy and get on my grind, i'm really trying to get the &^%$ outta PG, but going to Old Navy everyday will not get me there. Why cant I stop shopping? ugh.

Shit is true, Nigger is the most offensive, so why cant I stop saying it?

I'm not really sure if this is meant to be offensive or what...I know the picture makes me itch.

http://chickenwings.ytmnd.com/

Walking down the street with a soda can in my hand realize and understand i'm little fizz, ay yo fizz, fizz check out yo girl over there. Chilling with the Apple Grove honies minus Carmen who live across the world. Doing recession proof activities, playing the we singing Deborah Cox ft R.L. We cant be friends, good song, story of my whole entire high school life, or Heather Headley, I wish I wasnt, Soundtrack to me and FL's "relationship" which is technically not even that. I do love him though, sadly enough, well acutally I dont regret it. ,but he was and still is maaaaahhhh first love and my only one....long as I live you will be mahhh.....lol.

Facebook gives all the Biz

Ookkaaay....so whatever was going on in best friends life has been bothering me for awhile (three days)...lol. And just when I decided that I would let it go, actually I just dont want to call him, no reason...its just been awhile(months like shit) So as if to baste (in honor of thanksgiving) the issue, he writes this facebook status about someone taking his money and him having the guys social and address and thangs....could he be referring to his roomate? Or who? Not likely, this story is too much for me not to know the details. But if he's really heated about it, can I really call him and ask? I definately dont want him to be mad at me. But then again I keep telling myself the reason why I havent called him is because I dont want to wrap him up with the small details of my like (Starbucks). Ugh, I'm going to have to call him arent I?

So out of the loop...

All this time I couldve been bagging, actually not even bagging. But rigning groceries for the mexicans at Aldi, for 2 dollars more that what I make now. And I get to sit down, and its less than a mile away instead of a 30 minute drive, best believe im putting in my application.

P.S.

I F****** hate my job, it makes me miserable and stresses me out. Going to work puts me in a state of crucial depression, that place is somewhere I dont think I can stand to there much longer.

whaaaa?

pack your own parachute

Derived from the sacred motto of parachutists, meaning to put your condom on yourself.

Whatever you do, pack your own parachute. She's been around with a vengeance.

Left a good job in the ci-tay...

Do I really even care? Or is it just because I feel like he shouldve told me. In my mind, I'm like if he can dispose of this person whom he's known for longer than me. THE SCOOP: BF and his roomie apparently had a falling out. Which honestly bewilders me that happened. I personally dont know the backstory and it wasnt really the roomies place to tell me, but this all went down a month ago. Maybe if BF wasnt always so damn busy, he could pick up the phone and tell me. Should I just cut my losses, because I honestly look forward to the day that I can see him again but if there isnt any point I might as well cut it off now. But that could just be me acting like a female again, tripping about things that arent really happening. I just hope that we havent talked in such a long time that there wont be a connection anymore.

On a lighter note:
I need to quit my job before I literally go insane.
Like really.

I'm ready for the next phase to happen, I just dont know how to grasp it.

I know that Florida will be a good place for me to spread my wings. I just have to get there.

Ain't no shame cuz I gotta get mine...

SO! In an effort to remove my whole brain from being consumed with thinking about BF, trying so hard to delete or at least put my extreme level of missing him into the back of my head, I slipped. I called Throwback aka Tuxedo Mask for Lilo's sake. And after an infinite number of hours of rapping me up about what he's doing right now. I let myself allow him back in and now....im pretty sure he just left, and i'm further lost for words, and dont want to share anymore details. Just to stay my thoughts were removed, and now there back mangled with other complicated ones. And I dont understand. I DONT UNDERSTAND!!!

Im such a lame. Ugh this is like me and Marcus only I wanted to give him the goods. Recline the futon until it goes no further. im such a female.

Im lunchin really hard right now, because I dont want the goods, I just want my friend. Never loved this hard before. Why cant I just call him?

Pt 2: Im feening for a hug from BF. They mean so much to me, I feel mad protected. ..I hope your getting ready girl and dont forget the wine.....

Just realized the gaping wound on my boob is a burn. And HOW pray tell do you get a second degree burn on your breast? Starbucks = boob burn

Mission eight while we converse..

Things I should definately be doing right now

1. Sleeping
2. Homework

Things I doing instead

1. Blogging
2. Loafing
3. Scratching my nose

So will I was waiting for my computer to turn on, I was thinking about things that are under rated, and I think Platonic Love is one of them, in this case I mean with the opposite sex. Most boy girl friend reunions, like seriously close ones, have some history, someone was tryna holla and the other one got turned down, or secretly there are some underlying feelings, which naturally occurs because you fall in love with them, because you've experienced them "Flaws and all", which really is true love. But actually Platonic Love is rare. And I don't mean, getting there after years of struggling to retain a friendship, but starting there and continuing on. It's great to know, that no matter how far apart you are, or tht regardless of when you call them, they'll call you back, and just because you dont talk everyday and know every detail of eachothers live, that love is still there. I've been struggling lately, trying to hold on to the past, reliving the memories, because I think that's all I have, but in my heart I know that the true love is there and it will wont go away. As an adult I have to deal with having my friends spread out across the world, literally, and that whenever I truly need them, their there. I dont need constant phone calls, texts or emails to prove anything, I hold it all in my heart. It wasnt really until I went to Disney in which I made friends that are a second family, I've never had to mke an effort to keep in touch with anyone, but i'm learing, and it helps that there so understanding and receptive of my methods. As much as sometimes I wanna call everyone everyday. Especially in regards to BF, it I called, he would call back and listen to eveything I had to say, no matter how ridiculous. Hearing that every so often would be great, but i know in the end it would make me itch.

Beyonce is keeping her video on lockdown. I need a break, and a fine chocolate african man, whose mother will cook me beans, she picked herself.

Give me the Green Light....

Wha wha whats your name, and whose your crew? I just got off of work, been there since 5:45, I work hard, so that it will pay off eventually. I want to go to Florida, in a few weeks. Im hitting up NYC again because my aunt is on the edge. Ill be there on the 3oth to see Tyra, this time Yasdnil is getting dressed the night before. I hate how dirty my contacts get after being in the city, I think my lungs are black. Im really kinda hungry for anything not Starbucks, Im really tryna do big things for my birthday, but no one has bread, or is old enough.

My existence, has became a lame occurance.

Why is it that all negative things happen on top of one another, its like you can never get a break to deal with one at a time.

I miss you old friend can I hold you...and though its been a long time old friend do you mind....Dreamgirls being a soundtrack to my life

Throwback Joint: Jagged Edge, definately called it

So me and BF are subconsciously playing this game. Were both to proud to admit how much we really miss eachother, and in order to avoid this, we just dont talk. For the past couple of days I thought that I was going to break the cycle and call him, because I really was losing my mind, but lo and behold he fell through first. This will all be over soon because after I move down there, we can go back to hanging out so much that we never had to say anything. Today in class, Creep Teacher, told me he wanted to hire me as his studio assistant, thats a negative, coming from the same teacher who feels the need to compliment me everyday, now if he were fine or rich, then maybe, but I can't work with neither. Lately ive been surpressing my stress, and possible mild case of depression, with a little retail therapy, which sounds prety harmless, but I've bought something every single day this week, I need to stop shopping and stack my bread up so I can move. I've never really had to deal with missing people before, all my friends were always around but now, there all over the world.

Story of my life

S

o the number 2 spot on my list of favorite people used to go to Jennifer Hudson until I saw that she got engaged to Punk after a couple of months instead of marrying regular boyfriend, of like 15 years. I know she has her reasons and I dont think she jumped into this despite what the media looks says, so she can have her spot back. I have yet to hear her cd, but i'm already a hater because while Spotlight is a catchy tune, my girl Jenny needs to be belting out some Whitney Houston ballads, or something, open your month and sing girl! I've been waiting pretty much my whole life for your cd, and this is what you give me? Unacceptable. Please hit me with your pocketbook, right in the head. I think maybe Punk and Jennifer Hudson have been together for awhile seeing how he wears her shirts and everything.

This is how my boo sings, not none of that spotlight stuff.

Im talking to Melissa on im, I think I just got her hooked onto yearbookyourself.com, it doesnt make any sense how funny that website is.

I had this dream about my car accident the other day, no matter how much I try I cant shake it, It still kinda haunts me in a way, im not really sure how to rid myself of the thoughts. I have thought laying in the back of head to talk to Throwback, but thats the extreme, and doing the absolute most. Plus that relationship was one sided anyway, he just listened to my problems and made me feel like he cared, but there is still the smallest granule of hope that he could have the answers. I have to stop expecting friends, or assuming people care at all, because you really cant trust a lot of people.

high ten
September 23

a double handed high five, reserved for especially awesome scenarios.

My Favorite Person of the day

I only hope that my work can evoke this much emotion.


As im sitting here in class doing homework, I came across this artist Kara Walker, who is officially added to my list of favorite people.

Apparently the Redskins are beating the Cowboys... as if I even understand the history behind that rival. I'm over:

• Tourists




• Frappachinos




• Illiteracy




• Impatient people




• being talked to like a refugee

If there were ever a point i'd thought I be at when I lost my mind, i'm definately there. I'm losing sight of what I originally intended to do. Langston Hughes said it best

Life for me ain't been no crystal
stair.

I want to go back to the good ole days when I made

72 cents an hour to make burgers

, back when my best friend used to live across the complex.

I can go back to that life, but once i do its real, there are no take backs. There has got to be a reason I havent left yet, maybe time, hopefully, minutes will tell. Due to circumstances I tend to play it safe, but this is my time to step outside the box. But the push I need will be to drastic, but thats the best solution.

Not getting hastled, not getting hustled. Keepin' your head above water, Making
a wave when you can.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDWodoxp0rM

Too bad I wont find my African King in Florida...

I'm not the type of chick who bothers you all the time, calls you up everyday, honestly I just dont have that much to talk about, but for the sake of me being sane can you please make the time to talk to me when I do call you, or even, this novel idea call me back. Ugh, your making me feel so...female (like tamale) Laughing out loud. IDK MY BFF JILL.

Venti Skim Chai

It's sad really how much Starbucks infiltrates my brain, I have nightmarish convulsions in my sleep. But i'm suprised really, how much play I get because I work at Starbucks. I've persuded the masses to so many things with a promise of a free Caramel Macchiato, despite the fact that it actually should be made with a half cup of foam. I've received numerous looks from passerbys, because I sport the half-naked green mermaid. For example, Waiting for the bus in the pouring rain " homeless Kunta Kinte lookin boy" is moving his mouth I assume in attempt to make conversation, I was to busy being distracted by his frequent grabbing of his penis, to pay him any mind, how about next time you try to wrap me up, Roscoe, because of my stereotyping nature that has to be his name, you shower, or maybe stop trying to brag me with a dollar to walk you around the corner. Or One-eyed Man, well not actually, peering at me around corners, please open both of your eyes and focus them to the front! Keep on truckin! Lately i've been contemplating relocation. Its a hard decision to make because thats it, once I move thats my life, there is no one to back you up, no one to fix your mistakes, just you. But the great thing would be that i would be around my best friends the ones who mean the absoulute most. But you cant live your life for your friends. P.S. Pick up your phone before I have to lay the smackdown! really, I miss you.