I'm emotional, and i cant let it go, I am trying to hold onto you.

Everyone always gives me the *side eye* when I tell them I dont want to have any children. "oh, you'll change your mind, your so young" There are people my age with child(ren) already. I discovered not too long ago the true reason why I dont have the desire. My childhood. No I wasnt beat, (for no reason) or deprived of anything I really needed, but mentally and emotionally, it just didnt cut it. I think about my relationship with my father and how so many people grew up without one, but what where they really missing? My father, though there physically provides no type of support, whatsoever. Though there financially. He still lets me know everyday how i cant do anything right, how im still living at home because mentally im not ready to be on my own, I dont know how to do anything, I cant think for myself, and i act too much like a "woman", a whole different topic. My argument to him my whole life, was and still is " Why doesnt bother you that no one your children, while living with you liked you?" "Why can't you just answer my questions?" Everything is always a argument, and I know how unintentionally people always act like there parents, there the models they had during there most developmental period. And while since going to florida and coming back my mother has become less of an enemy, never a friend, my parents dont try to create a union with me. Its my responsibility to create and solve my own mistakes, however, I do believe that there support instead of constant dissaproval would help. Because of this I have no motivation, to go to school, to go to work, I just want to go back to Florida as much as I can, because that's where i could be free, the whole time i was down there I dressed a hot mess, and it never dawned on me until I looked at the pictures. LOL. But since moving down there would make it real life would it still be fun?

I think that Disney provides a safety net, you tend to live with fellow cast
members, and only befriend them, only because they are the only ones who
understand.

I do think that this is where I belong, but I dont know how to make things happen. Honestly, I never really had to try hard to do anything, It always just came through. For example me and bf, I love him, all homo, lol. And I am genuinely concerned that our friendship will be non-existent if we keep going on without talking. But I dont know how to just call him and talk to him, without being lame, or acting like a girl, but I think that by me trying so hard not to be lame, Im just making it worse. I know that for my birthday the best gift, aside from someone paying for me to go to school. would be for him to come and hang out with me, so I guess I'll have to call him, and let him know, this isnt a regular day, so if it doesnt work out, im torching his apartment, going to be really upset,

But now this is the end

Tell me what's the use of holding on

If we can't be friends

But it will work out, so whatever.